Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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