I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
