how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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