I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
