Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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