dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
