the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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