he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
