I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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