Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize