wake up i wanna do it froggy style
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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