I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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