im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
