I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
