Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
