she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
