so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
