so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
