he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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