we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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