I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
