his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i think i have two assholes
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
