i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
