Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
