Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
