Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
