just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
