You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
