her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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