i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
