he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I need to align my fucking chakras
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