You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
