the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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