there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
