I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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