So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just gift wrapped bread.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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