I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
