just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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