stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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