just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
