Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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