i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
