I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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