Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
