sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
