Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
