apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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