oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We left an ass print on the piano.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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