look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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