I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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