I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Can vaginas get frostbite?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
