Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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