You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
