Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
