Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
