I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
